I-Messages in COMMUNICATION

I-Messages in COMMUNICATION

It is very important to use “I-Messages” in a support group to convey one’s feelings to
the entire group. If feelings are not expressed, they are often disguised behind the
group. “I-Messages” also provide a preventative focus in that they keep undesirable
behaviors in check or they can insure that some things don’t happen or get carried
away. The use of “I-Messages” may also provide a soft mechanism for confrontation
and correction in that “I” is perceived as being softer than “you”.

Most of the messages sent to people about their behavior are “you” messages —
messages that are directed at the person. These have a high probability of putting
people down, making them feel guilty, and making them resistant to change.
An “I Message”allows a person who is affected by another’s behavior to express the impact
it is having on him or her. This leaves the responsibility for modifying the behavior with
the person who demonstrated the behavior.

“I-Messages” build relationships and do not place the sender in the position of enforcing
a new behavior. Many people have been taught to avoid “I” (as in I want or I would like),
so it is often difficult to use this method.

• Four Parts of an “I-Message”
• Specific behavior (“When you . . .”)
• Resulting feeling (“It . . .”)
• Effect (“I feel . . .”)
• Resolution (“So, would you . . .”)